Horrible day yesterday

I am convinced that the Lord is either using these migraines to break me, bring me to my knees for whatever reason. Or break me from my yo yoing, making me to fight for this weight loss this time around.



Because yesterday was soooo horrible, I got the worse migraine on one of the worse days, the night I have my class until 10:00 at night and more than the headache, I suffered nausea to the point I had to put my head down at work and work as I could. And it's a catch 22 because I'm so sure I'm getting these headaches due to needing to lose weight eat healthier. But when I make the changes to do so, I am more prone to get a migraine than when I'm eating whatever I please.



My first decision about it was to pray, that if there is something I am to learn, see do that I'm not that the Lord would allow me to clearly see. My other decision was to fight through these two weeks. Not going to stop doing the cleanse, did decide to get my DD coffee in case my body was just totally shocked by the lack of sugar, so that will be my one sugar item that isn't coming from fruit until my body gets use to not having as much again, so keeping that on taking migraine medication daily even if I don't feel one coming on, at least for these two weeks. And just enduring if one kicks in.



Unless none of the above matches with what the Lord reveals to me, that's the plan. suffering for two weeks is better than getting these things no less than twice weekly. Having small occasions of not getting any. And prayerfully it's just an issue of diet change if nothing else if I stick closely to the types of foods I'm eating on the cleanse, none are in the category (that I can think of) that triggers them. Just have to be careful of eating salads from salad bars.



On another note, I did weight myself this morning and weighed at 240. It's funny because I ate horribly over the weekend and last week. Also weighted myself I think Friday and I was 243, don't know what's going on with that but praise God. I basically in 3 months lost 4 pounds!!


***Update***

I've mispoken in 3 months I've lost at least 9 pounds, I say at least because I didn't begin weighting myself right away and oh how I forgot my inches lost during my lil tantrum LOL. My point was I'm not losing as I should based on the efforts yet the efforts were stalled many times so in actuality I'm doing well. Just beating myself up because I'd gotten to 229 during my inital lost about 2 years ago now (WOW) and looking at having to lose just to get back to that point then the rest still to go. Which if God doesn't hold stuff over my head, why in the world do I!? A question I'll probably ask myself for....every time I do something like this:) Chosing right now to focus on the ability to lose, to work out, and not have something worse than migraines to overcome!!

****Update over:)***


With working out and largely due to going through changes with these headaches. But at the same time I'm so encouraged because as I stated in a post before, this is the hardest time I've ever had losing weight but it's also the longest I've endured with such trials coming my way. Usually when I see the scale isn't moving how I'd like, I toss my hands up and say forget it. So this is teaching me how to fight through something that's difficult and let me add seems as if I shouldn't have to go so hard for. To be patient, how I have to depend upon the Lord for all things because there is only so much I can do on my own in this, even when walking in His wisdom I have to learn when to stop and ask Him specifics.

So in all of the difficulty and what feels like tons of waisted time I'm mad encouraged and will see this thing through to the end.

Spring Cleaning for myself:)

Welp I've committed to doing what I probably should have done long ago, doing another cleanse. I do so at least once a year and only reason I hadn't yet is because I wanted to do some losing on my own and then do it. Typically I'll drop 10 pounds easily on a cleanse so figured if I did it during a plateau period rather than early in the game, it would keep things moving. Well the plateau decided to come early in the game so I'm still on point:)

So sitting Slim Fast to the side and doing it when I hit a plateau and in the meantime going at the cleanse. I lose about 10 on Slim also, and not into dropping fast so much as that jump start. But due to these migraines I wasn't able to do the Slim Fast and not sure if it's Slim Fast itself, or the fact that a migraine was already kicking in before I even started. Nevertheless it's what made me decide to go on and cleanse, could be a need to detox that's the problem as well.

And I just read on a blog that research says that migraines can be linked to being overweight. Hmmmm that could be my answer yet I've been heavier than this without any issues. But I wouldn't mind if that is the problem because then it's an easy solve. Right now I have no clue of what's triggering them.

Also believe eating the clean foods will help with them as well so truly hope this is it. The beauty of the migraines however is I'm not trying to settle with them and the medication given only helps but so much so there is no getting comfortable with my weight/eating anymore.

Was hoping to go shopping and not eat out any during this time however forgot about my classes tonight and tomorrow so thinking I'll hit up a nice Italian restaurant, probably the one right under the same building my class is in. Order some salmon made in olive oil and steamed veggies. Italian because that's what they use anyway so I don't have to worry about rather I'm getting what they're saying they're giving me.

If you'd like info on the cleanse I'm using, check out www.enzymatictherapy.com. I'm doing the Simple Cleanse, usually do the Whole body cleanse and doing the simple only because it was on sale at Whole Foods:) Now I see they have a coupon on their site so may have been the same price. At any rate I'm just glad to have started. Praying that the eating habits will stick too minus migraines. And better yet that this will bring an end to them.

Spring Cleaning

I'm doing some Spring cleaning today and it's making me wonder, why do I always resist it!? I love cleaning it can be quite therapeutic and I love how everything looks once it's done. But getting started can be soooo hard, Like I sat down for all of two seconds to check something on the net and I've been here for about a half hour now LOL figured I'd get a blog in:) And I know some days it's the weather, either too hot where I don't feel like moving or too cold where I don't feel like moving. At least when it's cold once you get started it produces heat but again it's getting started.

I have so much to do too, I'm trying to focus on different areas in the house one at a time (Aside from regular cleaning) so that I'm not overwhelmed. I have one room that's driving me crazy because I'm storing everything I want to give to charity and it's really stacking up so keeping the door closed for now. But want to try to accumulate as much as possible before calling because the particular place I give to usually comes during the week and on specific days to my area which means some missed time at work.

But I'm getting there I still have tons of stuff of my mom's that needs to be sold rather than given away and it's challenging because she'd brought a ton of collectible things in hopes of leaving something for myself and my siblings (despite our warnings that she didn't) yet she didn't mark everything with the prices or keep the receipts in a specific place so not sure what they're all worth. So thinking once I have get everything else in the house in order, will tackle those things.

Now let me get back to cleaning:)

Hulu, slim fast & migraines

I love hulu (hulu.com) where you can catch some of your favorite tv shows and movies among other things. I'm just really getting into using it so not familiar with all of the features but I know I had a ball with it the past couple of days.

Yesterday I watched Super Size Me, been wanting to see this for the longest now yet only think of it in passing therefore never brought it. So was happy to find I could watch it for free and let me tell you, it was a great reminder of why not to eat at fast food restaurants, at least not regularly. I'm so programmed to focus on fat and calories for weight loss that I forget about things like sodium, additives preservatives etc. So if I decide I want something, I'll count that into my day rather than all things being considered.

Could be my answer to why I get so many migraines, at least what started it then trying to eat healthy, my body is going through changes which brings on worse headaches. So it was really informative for me if only for that reason. I couldn't stick to the slim fast I'd just started due to a massive migraine on Monday. Waiting until my body wants to participate and doing it again but may just hold on to what I have and do the cleanse I'd been avoiding. Perhaps that's ultimately what my body is dying for me to do.

On another note I'm loving how much I love to work out now. I get so tired however really fast and again I feel it has to do with first the weight that still needs to be lost on top of the headaches and just all of the changes my body is going through. Yet I rejoice at a love for something I once loathed. And realizing a lot of the pain associated (While there will always be some degree of discomfort no doubt) with it has to do with me, not the workouts itself. One more reason to eat well not just workout.

On that note off to Wholefoods in a few:)

Weight loss goings on

Decided to do slim-fast this week. Not sure where I am pound wise since as I stated last post I'm not weighing right now however I know the pounds were coming off slowly. My goal was to do The Fast Smash when I joined the gym but I cannot find that book and refuse to buy a new one. I'm athe type of person that call myself putting something away and I do nothing more than prevent myself from finding it:) And that's what I did in this case.

Think I'm going to ask my sis to borrow hers if she's not using it but in the meantime, slim-fast it is. Not so much looking to slim fast:) But to get my eating under control and hopefully get the scale moving. Usually doing a detox does it but holding off on doing one for a lil bit yet still need to do something to get more disciplined. And so it dawned on me, go with slim-fast.

I'll do it for about a week and then go from there if I feel the need to do it longer I shall. This week was the first week that I could try out my go wear fit band during a normal activity week, last week I took it off for a hot second and kept forgetting to put it back on:) Yesterday I got pretty close to my goal calorie burn however it's also the day I'm out later for my class so will have to compare Wed. to today and yesterday (have a class tonight also).

Lastly went to the gym yesterday and it was the 1st workout I've done without my trainers aide. I am pleased with how much I was able to retain of what she'd taught me. Supposedly I have one more session with her, today but I'm thinking she got that mixed up and our last was last week but I will found out today. Either way I'm confident I'll be fine without her yet grateful she'll still be there to give some input.

Charles Spurgeon quote

Very sobering quote delivered to my inbox today:

"What makes you better than anyone else? What do you have--that God hasn't given you? And if all you have is from God--why boast as though you have accomplished something on your own?" 1 Corinthians 4:7Christian! By nature--you are no better than others! What would you be--without the continual influence of the Spirit? O believer, whatever you are--you have nothing to make you proud. The more you have--the more you are in debt to God--and should you be proud of that which renders you a debtor?Consider your origin--look back to what you were. "Once you were dead, doomed forever because of your many sins!" Ephesians 2:1. Consider what you would have been--but for divine grace! It is only God's grace--which has made you to differ! Great believer--you would have been a great sinner--if God had not made you to differ! O you who are valiant for truth--you would have been as valiant for error--if grace had not laid hold upon you! Therefore, do not be proud, though you have a wide domain of grace--for once, you had not a single thing to call your own--except your sin and misery!Oh! strange infatuation, that you--who have borrowed everything, should think of exalting yourself! How foolish--that you--a poor dependent pensioner upon the bounty of your Savior--are yet proud! Shame on you--O silly heart!

Another post about nothing:)

I just had the best oatmeal just now from Trader Joe's and will probably be one of the few individuals eating it throughout summer. I have to check the ingredients when I get home before I buy another box.

I know this post will sound way too deep for something like oatmeal LOL, But I'd been trying to make the closest thing to perfection literally all summer. When I buy oats from my job (non instant) they're nice and creamy, when I try to make them at home, they're fluffy bits of oats and came across a site that I thought would aid me in getting them just right but ended up getting a bag of Bob Mill's Oat Bran instead of Oat Mill. I kept looking at the flakes like this looks different but can't pinpoint it LOL. Needless to say still haven't perfected them the way I'd like. And one reason I want to perfect these is so that I'm not eating the instant with all the extra stuff added, I'm monitoring it and so I save money not buying the cooked oats at work when I can make it at home. Oatmeal also is something I can turn to easily and stay full off of until lunch time. By turn to I mean it kicks any craving I may have for bacon eggs cheese etc. And leaves me satisfied. Weird because I never liked them growing up.

I've decided not to weight in until further notice. I feel so much freer when I don't and I can judge by my clothes rather or not I'm losing or gaining. I'll just drive myself coo coo if I weight, at least while the scale is moving like a snail. Yet my clothes tells a whole other story. Just have to remember to get a tape measure now to keep up with inches lost.

It's Spring!

The first day of Spring and although it doesn't feel like it I cannot be more pleased. Every winter I threaten to leave Philly and come back during this time. But not only will that never happen I never mean it:)

I love the change in weather and love that Spring is the season that follows winter. Ever experience a Spring day where it's like nice and sunny and neither hot nor cold? LOOOVE those days if I could bottle them up I would. But with winter, I love how the cold produces opportunity to pile up in tons of blanket. I'm one that sleeps with a comforter on my bed all year long yet only truly enjoyable during winter months. Fall is usually chill but quick to me and summer is hot but when I find the most free activities for my daughter and I to do.

So as far as I see it, God has blessed my region with nice variety rather than it being a curse or some sort of cruel joke. Of course I say this, specifically related to winter the day after it ended. But it's true, also is a season in which I find myself often reflecting on His provisions for me because if I don't have cash to pay PGW (Phila Gas Works) or PECO (electric co) than I'd be faced with a cold home. While similar issues can pop up in the summer, people die from intense heat, for whatever the reason it clicks for me during winter months, perhaps because I'm rarely home during summer.

So I bid adieu to you winter until next year:) Spring and free Rita's here I come:)

This is so not what I came on here to talk about but it's cool to write posts about virtually nothing every once in awhile:)

Measurements woo hoo!!

Okay I have to take back the one negative I'd mentioned about my trainer in my last update because here is my measurements:

Initial Measurements: Waist 45 Hip 47 3-11-09 Waist 40 Hip 45

Skin Folds: Tricep 42 Tricep 38

Iliac 33 Iliac 30

Thigh 55 Thigh 45

Perhaps I need to reconsider the whole thing of muscles weighting more than fat, or at least do more research. I'd always been told it weights more but when I began to research it so that wouldn't be my excuse, I'd read it weights the same but is simply different. But perhaps it is an issue of gaining muscle while still losing fat? I dunno I'm just going to be grateful for these measurements and begin to measure myself and not just weight.

So tempted to just throw the scale out the window LOL but it does have it's place I just need to be patient when it doesn't say what I want it to, being sure to factor in all possible reasons not that it's always a gain.

30 day Shred/Go wear Bad and other things

So I did the 30 Day Shred DVD on Monday and it was like taking a stroll around the block which is only a testament to my trainer. Did level 1 and as I suspected, there were a lot of moves that my trainer currently does with me but not as intense. This was Level 1 however so expect Level 3 to be where my trainer has me, minus some weight machines and sure this won't get to 20 pound weights either. Which if I'm not being clear, this DVD goes up to 3 levels, 1 is recommended to start off with.

And I ended up doing it because thanks to my trusty go wear fit band, I learned I'm not burning enough calories in a day. Not even on workout days and when I did the shred (Which is 2o minutes long) it took me only to a little over 100 extra calories burned.

Yet with a goal of 5000 steps, I'm averaging 14,992. Which if you use a pedometer should be more than enough to lose weight, however the burn isn't taking place which is what's needed to lose. This tool will make a huge difference in my getting to my goal weight or even just getting out of this plateau I'm experiencing. Yes I've hit a plateau which is why I'm having trouble getting out of these 40's. Was very disappointed on Monday, was excited to be able to post that I'd reached 24o after weighting myself on Friday just to learn I'm back at 244. Not sure why my body likes that number but it does. I didn't go over calories but I didn't get in much activity last week and virtually none over the weekend, braiding my daughter's hair.

I can tell I've lost inches however yet my trainer misplaced my original measurements. Judging by how she did the follow up measurements, I have a feeling they may have never made my file. But that's the one negative I can pin on her, a bit disappointed, because I wanted to begin tracking those as well but will have to go by whatever they are when I get to doing it.

This is the hardest time I've EVER had losing weight but I'm grateful because it's teaching me to endure. At first I had issues due to migraines, kept me sedentary a lot and missing workouts. Then it was not eating enough calories and getting in enough water, then it was getting in too much calories based on how TDP calculated how many I could eat based on my workouts. Now it's finding out I'm not burning off enough calories and add to that I'm on vacation this week and although I've been to the gym twice this week, don't plan on going all week. I joined a gym close to the job and can't help but feel like I'm going to work each time I go. Add to that the fact that I want to actually do some things on my vacay so I'll have to be strategic in how I'll burn calories for the rest of the week.

But saying that to say it has not been easy but I know I'll get there and being honest with self, making changes and praying and lots of it might I add:) Is what will get me through.

I have one more training session with my trainer on Monday and then it's solo for me, she's laid a very good foundation so I'm confident I'll be able to keep it up. Plus she assured me that she'll still be there and won't abandon me which knowing her she will not (in spite of not signing up for additional sessions) that could be a good or a bad thing:)

Weight Loss Update Pt 2

The GWF band is a band that gives you an output of how many calories you burn each day, how many you need to burn to lose weight and how many to eat to lose weight. Weight loss if for how I have it set, you can actually use it to maintain and I believe gain as well. Also keeps track of your steps taken daily and sleep patterns. 

I'm really excited to use this, got it yesterday so first time trying it out. The reason I decided to buy it is because I'd been having so much difficulty keeping an accurate record of my calories consumed in comparison to how many I was burning. I think I'd reported on here that I wasn't eating enough, therefore my body was storing calories and causing me to gain rather than lose. Always good to find out I need to eat more than to cut back more:) However as I've stated before this is a battle of the mind to get this weight off and seeing that scale go up and down does nothing for seeing defeat in that area. I'd debated about rather I'd buy the band because it's not cheap and I'd already invested in the training and running sneaks, not trying to be a victim of putting out tons of money for something that is as simple as moving more and eating less. But in knowing that it's not that simple for me, and the back and fourth can wear on both the mental and the body, not even mentioning the health issues I've experienced. I actually need to use wisdom in making some choices that's going to get the weight off and keep it off. I just said to myself looking at the site for this band man I should have brought this before and even rather than investing in the trainer. Because it's going to tell me how much I need to move. However the trainer has taught me how to ( and let me say added on to the teaching from my 1st trainer at church) have proper form, that I can list a 20 pound weight, how many reps to do for me, that if I stick with the push ups I'll see that I'm stronger and can in fact take them ectect ect. 

So these things are an investment not a waste of money and if I couple what I've spent on more frequent doctor visits, higher prices for clothing my size, medication this past year among other things I'm sure, the food from over eating etc. These investments will actually save me money in the long run. Will just have to ensure I stick with it and not put the band on the self or the teachings in the mind and not putting them to action. 

According to the GFW site, (there is a personal page for me to track my progress) I will be at goal by Dec 12 if I lose two pounds weekly and that's a goal of 160 btw. Again with getting at this mind of mine that was music to my ears LOL. Not far away at all and because I have the band, say when summer months come and I eat more or eat more not as good for you foods, it'll tell me that I need to burn more oppose to me counting the day as a lost cause. 

So grateful for the turn around, now I can only blame me if I don't have any losses or gain weight which points back to getting at my mind, renewing this puppy. Of course there are things that come up like water weight during TOM, but speaking on when I do something and can't figure out why I've gained or maintained. 

Will be posting some screen shots and things of the band and let folks know if I'd recommend getting it. 

Weight Loss Update PT 1

My training sessions are almost over. Actually they should have ended a few weeks ago but due to some unforeseen situations I had to cancel a few times, extending the weeks which I'm actually glad about. It gives me a bit more time to ween myself back into going it solo. Also to help me with that, and I'm sure my trainer does some type of follow up with suggestions but I'm being proactive just in case I'm wrong and again to get myself going solo. I'd been training with her twice a week, taking her class on Thursdays and another class on Friday. So that I wouldn't get to myself and get comfortable with what I'd want to do with myself oppose to being pushed in the classes and training sessions. 

I'll continue with the two classes, well the one at least, the friday instructor does more of a yell at you Jillian style and that is not my ideal accountability method! Just being there over me usually motivates me to do it. If I stop it's because something is going on with my body or I can't do it. I will try to do an alternate exercise so that I'm not just sitting there and because I'm new she's not too bad on me when I fall off but even when it's not me it's agitating. So I may do the one class on Thursday and go solo the other three days, perhaps taking the Friday class to switch things up or dealing with it if needed. Don't like her style of teaching but she knows what she's doing so if I find myself being too laxed will suck it up and go. 

And speaking of Jillian (from the biggest loser btw) I brought  a workout dvd by her called the 30 day shred which looks to be like the same training that my trainer is doing with me currently. Again in the name of staying consistent, going to do this workout at home oh that's right going to do this in place of my training sessions and the class and one day solo. But now that I think of it the shred may require 30 days in a row so I'll see. 

Lastly I brought a GoWear fit band gowearfit.com  which was my initial reason for starting this blog post but I've talked about anything but LOL, so I'm going to do a part duce as not to make this too long. 

Piper on Suffering

This video speaks for itself, a brother on Holy Culture's forum posted the link let me add:)

Fireproof

I purchased Fireproof on Saturday and have been watching it ever since, excellent movie. Some of the acting was a bit interesting at times if someone is looking for this spectacular could win an Oscar performance. However I still feel as though it was good and liked the small bits of comedy added to it.

But the message! Oh my goodness I've blogged before on the fact that we're focusing on love in bible study, the primary verse we're studying is Romans 12 and we've been in it for at least two months, tying in other verses as well of course but it's been such a blessing because each time something new is learned.

So when I saw Fireproof, it was like watching the scripts in action. I especially love how the couple started out as unbelievers, which the same downfall can and has happened to believers as well, but it shows God's love for us while we were still sinning, still unrighteous before Him. We didn't come to us clean no matter what our story may be. Then and without giving away the movie:) The steps that were taking to restore the marriage.

It's a great movie/lesson for both married and unmarried alike. I know I've been struggling to love some folks and sometimes you can feel foolish giving yourself to be used, beat on, not loved in return etc. And there is a point in which one needs to know when they have to walk away from a situations and pray for the individual but not sow into their lives. But due to flesh, that's something that one has to be careful with because we can find ourselves as the world does leaving people hanging that God called us to love and then blame God for it like oh no He didn't call me to do that or to love that person. So seeing the example of how you can walk through it was a blessing, and it may not always end with the person changing but it's prayer and God's direction that should tell us when to walk away, not our feelings....and not speaking on walking away from marriages but say witnessing situations that are more personable, there are times when they won't be converted and one must wipe the dust off and keep it moving.

But speaking of walking way from marriage, I was so disheartened to hear on the radio Sunday, 103.9 a gospel station here in Philly someone called in (was in the car with some sisters from church going to dinner) and said she just got her second divorce and she feels so free. And the host is giving her airwave high fives so to speak and she continues on to say how she's going to love on herself and wait for the man God has for her this time around. As I was listening I could feel the frown marks in my forehead so I said to myself can't judge her situation because there is one out clause for her concerning marriage perhaps he'd committed adultery and in both cases.

However even if that is the case and while she didn't say for sure I don't get that impression, divorce is certainly not a thing to be celebrated and the Hollywood ideal of a perfect marriage has to be done away with. My pastor's wife often tells us during women's fellowship, when she first got saved her husband got saved not long after her. They'd separated for a spell and let me add they don't have problem with their story being told, wouldn't put out such sensitive info if not okayed. Well she begin to pray that God would give her a new husband, actually before the separation I believe (also makes sense:)) and she said God didn't change the man no matter what she prayed, but He did change her. Taught her how to love him and eventually changed him as well. My pastor often speaks on how great their marriage is to date and also quick to say I praise God for it because it wasn't always that way and a day can come where hard times can hit them again yet grateful for where He has them.

I didn't like that story at first LOL because when it was told the first time I was dealing with that very thing. Not being married it wasn't with a spouse but with, not even sure a family member or friend or someone in the body or all three:) But God has/is truly teaching me how to love on enemies and kill the whole notion on being slighted and what about me and blah blah blah.

Wrapping up my long post:) Check out the movie be edified and share with friends, probably a good movie to watch with your mate for those married and with friends if unmarried.

Hardcore Weekend

Wow a snow day! I almost don't know what to do with myself, if not for the fact that I have too much to do to dwell on that thought for long:) I will miss my workout with my trainer today however due to the fact that the gym is near the job and I'm not going out of the way in this weather to get there.

Therefore I'm making up the session later in the week but still doing something at home, will have to avoid munching too much while hear which is truly easy to do when I'm home. A need to go grocery shopping will help me out with that.

This has been one of the most trying weekends for me, first the news of the death of R Swift's infant son. I don't know him personally, met him once and have other fam in the faith that knows him/work with him. Yet I don't think that's what strikes me so hard. Quite possibly being able to correlate the pain that must come from losing your child, let alone a child less than a year old. But ultimately I believe it's the love that God has placed in me for the body. I'd hope my heart would be just as heavy for someone who isn't a part of the body however there is a bond that is had within this God given family that doesn't compare, even to blood fam at times and to some degree. I've been praying for him and his fam that the Holy Spirit would comfort them as only He can. I remember when my mom died, and I had the opportunity to do this ahead of time, knowing she was dying so.....but I sat and prayed to God that He'd give me His peace. I knew I was going to face all type of support both genuine and not so genuine and that it would only provide a degree of comfort. And don't get me wrong we are to weep with those who weep and mourn with those who morn so not downplaying that fact and am forever grateful for the support received during and for some years past the date of her death. But it was the Holy Spirit's comfort that kept things in perspective.

I testify to date that if my mom died when I was an unbeliever, I'd still probably be going through or angry or whatever the case. But that peace, while I still mourned which again is reasonable, I was able to move forward effectively knowing it's all a part of His plan. And I suspect that it's so much harder for this couple their daughter and other fam as this was not an expected thing. Yet the same God of peace can provide it to His children in that household as well. Praying that in the long run, this will be a testimony that ministers to the hearts of many, especially those hard hearted towards God due to a loss that they felt unfair and therefore judged Him cruel or non-existent. At the end of the day may he be glorified and their joy and peace restored.

This death sparked in me the reality of how we don't control our own lives, rather an in your face reminder of what's often taken for granted. We don't know when it's our time to die and we don't know the day or hour of His return. Which brings me to the next disheartening thing and I won't get into deep detail but bottom line is I cannot participate in ministry that will not bring glory to God. I cannot entertain fleshy folks rather young or old and nothing wrong with entertainment, but at the expense of some one's soul and not at least presenting a clear gospel to them, I cannot therefore I have to face persecution for the stand. But let it begin if it must but may I be looked at as lacking Gods' anointing for not feeding flesh while recognizing His work because it is indeed His anointing doing the work.

Which got me to a place of being before God which as I said to Him that alone is the beauty of pain, it pushes you into the Father's arms. Even if you're quite comfortable there minus painful situations, it does something to go to Him admittedly week and incapable for doing for self what He can do for and through you. I pray that He gets the glory out of the current pains I'm experiencing and may I not miss the blessing of it but endure.